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What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children, by Sarah MacLaughlin
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Award-winning book by a parenting authority!
"I just finished what has to be one of the most helpful guides for raising young children... What Not to Say: Tools for Talking With Young Children by Sarah MacLaughlin. What Not To Say is a compilation of 66 common expressions to avoid using and why they don't work. The author not only tells you what NOT to do, she gives you tips on what could potentially work better." -- Mom Reviewer
“An excellent book that is as reflective as it is instructional. It empowers caregivers
to improve communication with children.”
—Stephen J. Bavolek, PhD, principal author of the Nurturing Parenting Programs
“The way adults talk with young children defines how well we are understanding
them and getting them to understand us. This book is like a flashlight: it helps you
see just how your words sound to a child, and shows you ways to say things better.”
—Martha Sears, co-author with Dr. Bill Sears of The Baby Book, The Discipline Book, and others in the Sears Parenting Library
“Sarah MacLaughlin explains how to speak respectfully to children while setting
clear limits; how to respond to what they really need from us in ways that leave us
feeling good about ourselves as parents and teachers.”
—Jane Katch, MST, author of They Don’t Like Me and Under Deadman’s Skin; preschool teacher and authority on child development and early childhood
education
“An essential book for anyone who loves a child. The P.E.T. for parents in the
twenty-first century.”
—Donna McGuinn, MA, human relations
How many times have you uttered a standard, knee-jerk phrase when trying to counsel a young child or respond to irritating behavior? Even when it's clear our typical verbal reactions and directives aren't working, many adults just don't know what to say instead. Changing the way we talk may be a daunting prospect, but What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children succeeds in steering parents, teachers, nannies, and others in how to revamp their communication with 1- to 6-year-olds. By understanding the importance of what children hear from us and utilizing the book's practical tools, readers can begin to think twice and alter how they typically speak to the children in their lives. Confrontations and misunderstanding can be turned around with clarity, honesty, consistency, and humor.
Sarah MacLaughlin addresses the need for a succinct guidebook, one that is short on theory and long on practical help for busy, often overworked caregivers. Utilizing 66 common expressions--those things we have often heard and sometimes say ourselves--she explains why many everyday interactions with children can be ineffective, if not downright damaging. Offering empathy rather than guilt, MacLaughlin reveals how our words sound to a child and gives examples for replacing ineffective sayings with more positive and productive language for various situations.
The book's chapters on important areas of communication--for example, labels and nicknames--provide a basic framework for assessing and guiding young children's behavior. Charming cartoons illustrate the themes and there is an up-to-date list of the best resource books for further reading. What Not to Say shows parents and caregivers how to have more positive interactions with young children--and better behaved, happier kids.
- Sales Rank: #778651 in eBooks
- Published on: 2012-06-18
- Released on: 2012-06-18
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review
Holistic Moms Network
“Because I said so. ”
“Good job! ”
“You'd better stop that by the time I count to three. ”
“I can't believe you did that! ”
Do you have a young child? Do these phrases sound all-too-familiar? Have you ever sat back and considered the language you use with your children and its impact? HMN Member and author of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children Sarah MacLaughlin has done just that—and has written a handy, thoughtful little book that every parent should read.
Some of the expressions we use with children are obviously counter-productive, as MacLaughlin points out. But others send subtle messages to our children about their behavior, self-worth, and how to operate in the world. Messages that are not serving them well. “Good job” is so easy to say but can lead to a dependence on adult praise and, as MacLaughlin explains, “robs him of the opportunity to truly please himself, which is the foundation for gaining self-esteem and self-motivation.”
Other catch phrases, drawn from our own childhood experiences or simply out of a moment of frustration, do not serve parents well either. “Because I said so” breaks the parent-child connection because it “dismisses the child's feelings” and may well lead to defiance and questioning as your child grows. “You're driving me crazy,” “you scared me to death” and “I'm going to leave without you” reflect the stress and frustration of parents but also create anxiety for our children. Fortunately, MacLaughlin is full of ideas and suggestions for alternatives. Instead of warning your kids that you're at your breaking point, how about presenting a new activity, refocusing attention or suggesting that he/she finds “something calmer to do”? Rather than threatening to leave, try giving an option such as “let's hold hands and walk out together, or I can carry you. ”
Change is not always easy. But it starts with awareness and attention. Realizing what we are saying and how it impacts our children is a great starting point. Putting focus on our kids, understanding their unique temperament and developmental stage, as well as their environment and world view are all critical to improving communication and the narratives that we use for our children. We need to be patient not only with our kids, but with ourselves in the process. Reminding ourselves that parenting is no easy task is vital to success. As MacLaughlin writes:
“Little kids are messy and silly, frustrating and wise. Raising a child, or just spending the day with one, can be a real adventure. Bring your flexibility and patience—and don't forget a sense of humor. These qualities, and using the right words along the way, will promote understanding and a peaceful atmosphere. And you will enjoy your time with children more. ”
Get a copy of What Not to Say and see for yourself.
Because I told you so ;-). —Director, Holistic Moms Network
Reviewed by Mom
I just finished what has to be one of the most helpful guides for raising young children... What Not to Say: Tools for Talking With Young Children by Sarah MacLaughlin. What Not To Say is a compilation of 66 common expressions to avoid using and why they don't work. The author not only tells you what NOT to do, she gives you tips on what could potentially work better.
What Not To Say is geared toward parents or caregivers with children aged 1–6. As the mother to twin 4-year-olds, I can appreciate the challenges of this age group. This age group is wonderfully interesting and funny but can also be stubborn and reactive...my boys are certainly the toughest bosses I have ever had! I could not wait to crack open this book!
Right away I recognized many of the common expressions listed as either something I have said or have heard another parent say to their child. For instance, how about the old stand-by “Because I said so”? This one doesn't really work, does it, but we all know someone who has said it or we ourselves have uttered it. MacLaughlin explains that by using this we dismiss our child's feelings and close the lines of communication. Sure, the steady fire of questions from a pre-schooler can be a bit draining at times but isn't it far more satisfying (for them and us!) to answer their questions rather than cut them off? What about “There's nothing to be afraid of”? Of course there are things in the world to be afraid of...aren't we all afraid of something (BEARS!!)?? Instead of dismissing our child's fears we should address them and find a way to navigate them.
Those are just two of the expressions addressed in this book but each and every one gave me pause and made me think about what I say to the kids and how I say it. What Not To Say is broken up into easy to navigate sections and many of the common expressions include book suggestions for your child to help drive positive points home and address any tough times they may be going through.
What Not To Say earns huge points from me and I happily recommend this book for anyone with young children. This book really helps you to understand your child, understand how your words can affect him/her, and gives you pointers on how to make more meaningful connections. I think we all want our interactions with our children to be joyful ones and Sarah MacLaughlin gives some solid tips for helping you to do that. A must read! —mom blogger
Review
Midwest Book Review
“What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children” is a practical guide for communicating with children. Parents will find the mindful interaction style of intergenerational communication a very helpful model. Dealing with children ages 1–6 can be very challenging and stressful, but there are also rewards for the patient, sensitive, experimental, and determined parent. “What Not to Say” is also laced with humor, an invaluable asset. Topics covered include why wrong things are said, changing language to make it work, use of labels and nicknames, threats or bribes, handling emotions, the inner critic, conveying clear messages about our bodies, and avoiding the temptation to make contests over control issues. All information is conveyed in a clear, non-judgmental style, and refreshing hints of lack of perfection abound. Parents and teachers and child caregivers will hail “What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children” as a great resource and fount of ideas for good communicating skills with children.
Review
Parent & Family
I was recently sent a book written by one of our Parent & Family contributors, Sarah MacLaughlin, called What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children (2010, Bay Island Books). I have to admit, though I've always loved Sarah's contributions to the paper, I was skeptical about reading a parenting book. Mostly because I consider myself to be a decent parent. . . But when I cracked my copy of What Not to Say and saw the format, I couldn't help but be intrigued. Sarah ingeniously takes some of the most oft repeated and well worn parenting phrases (think: “Stop crying right this minute” and "Because I said so”) and deconstructs them to reveal how ineffective most truly are, and even in some cases, potentially harmful to our kids.
Once I got reading I found that there is something to learn from in this book for every parent, even the most self-aware among us. I will say that I was relieved to find that there weren't THAT many phrases in the book that I am chronically guilty of using on my kids, but there were a handful that really hit home for me. Allow me to call your attention to a word in the previous sentence that is another key to the success of this book: there is nothing in What Not to Say to make a parent feel GUILTY. Sarah manages to diffuse and explain many of the expressions in the book while actually empathizing with parents who may have caught themselves using them out of anger, frustration or simple fatigue. Most important, in nearly every instance she takes the time to suggest useful and realistic new responses for parents without inflicting guilt. I was particularly impressed with Sarah's careful and thoughtful combination of recommendations for parents: listen to your children and afford them the understanding that they require as not-yet-fully-formed humans, but also set up firm and consistent boundaries.
What Sarah achieves with What Not to Say is not only a collection of thoughtful, effective tools for parents to use when talking to their young kids, but also what all parents are looking for: strategies for limiting the number and frequency of situations in which you require backup from trite and meaningless expressions that are not good for your kids and useless to you. No, it may not work every single time with every single kid, but proactive and thoughtful parents will enjoy, appreciate and use the insights in this book. —Carrie Lorfano, Editor, Parent & Family
Most helpful customer reviews
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
An Invaluable Resource for Parent-Child Communication
By M. Waisman
This book is packed with practical advice! The author provides guidance as to why some common expressions simply don't work with children. She breaks down each and one of them into clear explanations as to how a child may perceive parents' innocent and often well-intended phrases. As a bonus, there are many suggestions for children's books to reinforce positive communication.
Being a busy parent, I appreciate the relevance of the material and its organization. The book has certainly made me aware of the way I communicate with our child and of the way my words, tone and body language may be perceived. I also like that the book's premise is based on understanding a child's needs and on improving parent-child communication.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Uncommon common sense for parents
By Aunt Annie
What Not to Say
by Sarah MacLaughlin
reviewed by "Aunt Annie" of Aunt Annie's Childcare- [...]
A few weeks ago I was asked if I was willing to review this e-book on my blog. Well you know me- I love to write about childcare, and any excuse will do!- so I popped over to Sarah MacLaughlin's blog at [...] to test the water and see if her views were compatible with mine before agreeing.
Given that Sarah's philosophy is so similar to my own, I had fairly high expectations of 'What Not to Say', and I haven't been disappointed. For example, the quote that opens the book encapsulates exactly why I started my own blog:
Let's raise children who don't have to recover from their childhoods.
-Pam Leo
As I've said many a time, the secret to a healthy relationship with our children often lies not in what 'method' we use, but in how much we're prepared to work on ourselves. It's way too easy to pass on the collateral damage that's been done to us as we grew up, without even realising we're doing it. And that is really what Sarah MacLaughlin's eBook is all about. No blame, no shame, but many words of wisdom to contemplate.
If we take the time to think about it, some of the things we say to our children are insensitive at best, and counterproductive at worst- not because we're actually trying to make things worse, of course, but because we're tired and stressed, we're surrounded by 'advice' which makes us doubt our judgment, and we've been programmed by our own personal histories to recycle mantras which are, um, less than useful. MacLaughlin's aim in this book is to help parents and early childhood educators to identify and replace some of the more useless knee-jerk responses that spring to our lips when children challenge us.
Consider the following:
Because I said so.
Don't even think about it.
Good job!
And my own particular un-favourite, often overused with gifted children,
Show Grandpa how you can count to ten.
Do any of those sound familiar? Do you still say those things, and maybe even hang on to your right to say them like grim death, justifying them as 'normal' things to say to a child? This book will join the dots for you between statements like that and unresponsive or undesirable behaviour from your child.
Along the way, MacLaughlin refers to many of the behaviour management strategies that I have found very effective, such as reframing, narration and acknowledging emotions. She also addresses the importance of clear, age-appropriate communication, and shares my dislike of patronising children through baby talk and the sugar-coating of difficult truths.
All in all, it's a book full of what I call 'uncommon common sense'. At first glance it may appear to be just about the right words to say, but in fact it's more than that; it's a spot-on parenting communication manual for those who'd like their child NOT to need therapy as an adult.
As an added bonus, many challenging situations have been linked by the author to matching children's books. These can be used to encourage open discussion with children about their more difficult behaviours. That just makes me want to clap my hands in glee- it's exactly how I'd approach behaviour problems within an early childhood classroom. Stories are a wonderful way of allowing children to dissect and discover new ways of coping with their emotions.
Yes, there were a few moments in the book where I paused and thought, "Well, that's not exactly how I'd do it," or "I'd have to watch my tone of voice when I said that." But I agree with almost everything Sarah MacLaughlin says, and I'd definitely mention this e-book as a resource for anyone who wants to understand the relationship between what comes out of our mouths and how a child responds.
Highly recommended.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
the easiest guide out there
By M. Gibel
Sarah's book is simple, to the point and doesn't leave you hanging. Packed with stuff to get you through those days and connect with your children, not only does she help you through this verbal maze but also recommends children's reading material to go with it...genius!!! Even my husband read this one and that says a lot!
See all 23 customer reviews...
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